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brianana

Jan. 12th, 2005

01:31 am - I never turn on my computer.

I need to turn things around and I think maybe a first baby-step in doing this might be writing in this live journal thingy. I need to let others know what I'm thinking and stop being afraid of what those others will think about the thoughts that I happen to be thinking. In more ways than one I've censored myself, putting a big blurry spot over those aspects of me that I am less than proud of and are not suitable for public broadcasting. From the mistakes that only time machines make better to just the simple sound of my own voice on someone's voice mail, those bits of me that inspire self loathing or even mild irking are muffled by my attempts to destroy them. This leads me to saying nothing at all, never taking chances and working feverishly over my time machine blue prints. I want to be exposed (in person not on camera) because for the first time in years I don't feel as though I have anything to hide just a million things to improve on. I need to be a friend and reflect how much I truly care about and love my friends by being there for them including getting off my ass to call them more. They amaze and confuse me by how much they do for me and I know that I've taken that for granted. I can really be an asshole about keeping in touch; not, of course, out of the desire to be an asshole or out of a lack of desire to talk to them but more out of the 'what was I just about to do...' feeling. I think that life definitely can be a spectator sport but you're still in the stands and I'm sure there's probably a significant rate of foul ball related injuries to fans each year. Nowhere is safe. I need to start taking chances and fire my god damn stomach butterflies because I think they've taken to drinking and their roughin' up the place more than ever.

Oct. 24th, 2004

02:12 pm - damn, now i'm the loser...

Parents Weekend is just ending and I feel like a kid who's being left home with the babysitter but is refusing to detach herself from her daddy's ankle. After they're gone it's all good but the anticipation of it kills me. Maybe I never got rid of that 4 year old mentality or maybe i'm just a whiny emo skank. Anyway, it was good fun having them around for a lil' while and at least now my refrigerator has more in it than five different bottles of hot sauce.

Current Mood: thirstythirsty
Current Music: nerf herder

Oct. 15th, 2004

06:58 pm - goodbyes are for losers :(

so, kara and sara left me today after a short visit to my little bubble of bard college. I was thinking about swallowing their keys so they would have to stay but I decided against it mainly for health reasons. I don't know why, but for some reason I've had a really hard time with goodbyes lately. I think I just wish that I could rewind to the beginning of the summer and do everything that I said I was going to do. Read more, watch tv less, get to know people a little better, etc. ah well, summer will be back soon enough and I really only have to sit on my ass and wait until it does. I wish there was some medical explanation for my laziness so I wouldn't have to feel bad about it.

Oct. 14th, 2004

03:17 pm

I have now been forced against my will to create a live journal. I make no promises about keeping it up because I refuse to live inside my computer. However, since I really don't have too much of a life outside my computer this may just be the best thing ever. I hear people in my state of mind are susceptible to cult recruitment, if that's true then I'm sure I'll be happy I did this. People in cults sure do look happy. Speaking of which, I've been trying to find someone to go with me to a cult meeting. Not because I want to join a cult but because I really want to see how they try to manipulate the crazy folk who go to an after hours informational meeting in the basement of a super market for guidance. I feel like an extra person might be a good precautionary tactic though, 'cause sometimes you need somebody else there to remind you not to drink the punch. But really, I might just want to go because I haven't watched tv in a real long time. Anyway, yay live journal!